


Torn

by orphan_account



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-09
Updated: 2013-05-09
Packaged: 2017-12-10 16:23:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kame has distanced himself from Jin, and though Jin desperately tries to reach out for him, it feels like it’s all pointless.  <em>What is this life to me if you’re just not there?</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Torn

**Author's Note:**

> Insert Song: Juli - Zerissen
> 
> Hey everyone! This was a spontanious fanfiction idea I had a while ago, when I heard this song while showering. I know, it’s nothing big, but I just wrote it down :) Hope you’ll like it. The song is german, and I translated it to English by myself. If there are any mistakes, I apologize.

Jin’s POV

_Why does it feel that empty when you talk to me?_

Kame was talking to me. I was staring at him, and seriously, I was not listening, but that was alright – it was nothing important, anyways. Only about work and schedules and meetings. That were the only things he spoke to me about lately.

_Why does it feel that empty when you’re with me?_

Kame was looking at me, but then again, he was not. I kept my eyes focused on his, but our gazes did not meet once. I could not remember the last time Kame had looked me in the eyes.

I could not remember the last time we had touched, either, if only a pat on the shoulder or a brush of hands.

Kame fell silent, obviously finished with his report of the management’s instructions, and I just continued staring, pleadingly, hoping that, against logic, he would look up, smile and ask if we could hang out tonight. Like we used to.

But Kame did not meet my eyes. He only fumbled with the papers in his hand, obviously uncomfortable.

And the silence dragged on.

_Why does it feel that heavy when we don’t say anything?_

“Alright” Kame murmured, clearing his voice nervously. “I’d better…go.”

I only nodded, not knowing what else to say. What were you supposed to say to someone who was obviously trying his best to run away from you?

_Why are we unable to talk after so many years?_

Kame nodded and turned around, and I watched as the person who I considered my best friend, my partner in work and so much more walk away from me. Fade away from me.

My stomach felt full of painful knots, but I had gotten used to them. I had carried this feeling with me ever since Kame had started to distance himself from me.

It had begun suddenly, from one day to another. I did not know what had happened; if I had done anything wrong, or if he had a problem I was not aware of. But suddenly, everything between us had changed.

Kame was the person I considered closest to me. Suddenly, he was not, anymore.

He would turn down my invitations. He would barely react, when I talked to him, or excuse himself quickly, to avoid me. Whenever I tried to touch him, he pulled away. When I asked him what was wrong, he said it was nothing.

It hurt. More than anything I had ever experienced. I still saw him every day, at work, but it felt like he was a million miles away from me; shut behind a wall that I could just not climb over, no matter how hard I tried.

_Why does it feel that distant when we’re still so close?_

More than once, I had wondered if it had to do with our upcoming debut. I had considered a lot of possible reasons, but that one seemed to be the most plausible, if not plausible enough for me.

It had started around the same time we had gotten the news, that much was for sure. Though why Kame would see the need to run away from me after that, I seriously had no clue.

I had wished for years, to be able to debut. Now, I kind of wished that we would not, if that would make Kame talk to me again.

_What is this life to me if you’re just not there?_

But it seemed like more. More than just a superficial reason like that. Like there was something significantly wrong with Kame. I could not quite put my finger on it, but he just seemed…

… plain-out scared.

_What has torn you apart like this?_

It was driving me insane. Maybe it was because Kame was the younger one of the two of us, but I had always had the urge to take care of him. To bring him up again, when something brought him down. Or to avoid that it even happened.

But now, it felt like I had missed something. Like something had happened behind my back, and I had not seen it coming, and now, it had done damage that was maybe beyond repair.

How could I repair it, if I did not even know what it was?

_What has hurt you like this?_

Whatever it was, it had changed Kame. And it scared the shit out of me. Kame had always been someone I could read like a book – someone who had made me feel safe, because there was no need to figure him out. He was just himself, and so I could be myself with him, too. No need to put on a mask, or think twice about every word or action.

This safety was gone. Kame had become someone else, someone I did not recognize. Sometimes, I wondered if someone had kidnapped him, and exchanged him with a poor replication, but then he would pull a nervous gesture I recognized as truly _him_ , and I would realize that it was the real Kame that was avoiding me, not some stranger.

I wanted to understand it. So bad.

_What has torn you and your life and your heart like this?_

I had asked, of course. Multiple times. I had never gotten an answer, and there had been so many moments where I had found it futile, had decided that I should just let it be, just let Kame come to me, when he was ready.

But then, only a little while later, I always found that I could not just sit by and wait. I could not just stand by and watch my best friend fade away from me. He was too important for that.

So I always tried again. And again. And again. With the same result.

And today turned out to be one of those days, again, when I saw Kame sit in our dressing room, alone, going through some notes. The others had already left – I had seen Koki and Nakamaru go to the train station together only a while ago; Ueda was always the first to leave, anyways, and Taguchi had had an appointment this afternoon and had left an hour before we were done.

I had hung behind, because seriously, I had not been quite myself today. I had never been quite myself, recently. Ever since Kame had started acting like my presence suffocated him.

Kame did not notice me right away; not until I lay a hand on his shoulder, an urge to feel him under my fingers again fueling me on. Kame flinched, and shrugged me of before looking at me with wide eyes.

It stung.

_What has torn you apart like this…_

“Sorry” Kame murmured belatedly. “You scared me, that is all. I thought I was alone.”

I did not buy it. Of course I did not buy it. The moment I would try to reach out again, he would show the same reaction, no matter how surprising my appearance.

“Kame” I murmured, my eyes full of longing. “What is wrong?”

Kame gulped, before saying, only apparently calm: “Why are you always asking that? Nothing is wrong.”

_… that you don’t even cry?_

“Don’t give me that shit!” I murmured sadly, sitting down on the chair in front of him, looking up at him pleadingly. “You are my best friend, Kame! I _know_ you! Something is up! When will you finally tell me?”

“Jin, you’re imagining it” Kame said, shaking his head, reciting the same answers I had heard a thousand times. “The debut is coming soon. We’re all a little stressed out-“

“This has got nothing to do with being stressed out!” I protested hotly. “This has got to do with _us_! It’s _me_ you’re flinching away from! _Me_ who you won’t look at! _Me_ who you’re avoiding! Not Koki or Ueda or anyone – just _me_!”

“Really Jin” Kame sighed, shaking his head. “How many times do I have to tell you?! You’re seeing things!”

“Am I?” I challenged, skeptical. “Fine, then prove me wrong. Come to my place tonight, after work. Or tomorrow.”

Kame licked his lip nervously, and I could literally see how he closed in again.

_… that you don’t even scream?_

“I can’t” he murmured, his voice low. “I’m busy.”

“See?! You’re always busy, when it comes to me!” I pointed out desperately. “You’ve been busy for the last 3 months!”

_….that you don’t even notice that your life is being torn apart?_

“This is a busy time, why can’t you understand that?” Kame asked idly.

“Because I miss you!” I called, reaching out to grab his arm, before he could pull away, shaking him. Because _fuck_. “It’s killing me that you’re avoiding me and I just can’t let it drop! What have I done, Kazuya?! Tell me what I can do, and I’ll make it right again! I’m begging you!”

_What do my words mean if you don’t hear them?_

Kame did not react, and I shook him again, at my wit’s end. He looked younger, like a kid, helpless and scared.

“Say something!” I yelled, trying to provoke him, to push him, but there was nothing. Like always. He gave me nothing to go on with.

I pushed him angrily, letting go of him, taking a deep, steadying breath, trying to hold back the tears I felt coming. I knew I was shaking.

“So, that is it?” I enquired, my voice thin. “You’re just throwing me out of your life, without an explanation, and I’m just supposed to accept it? Is that what you want?”

_What does my love mean if you don’t feel it?_

I looked back at Kame, and I saw something in his eyes – something more than the fear I had been observing for the last few months. Something more, something that reminded me of myself, of the desperation I felt. Something that triggered on the tears that hung on his eye lids.

_Why can’t the two of us just face the truth?_

“Kame” I breathed, trying to reach out again, but he got up, turned around and fled. “KAZUYA!” I called after him, but he did not wait, and I seriously felt like crying.

_Why can’t I fill this hole in my heart?_

It took me a minute, before I could pull myself together to go after him. Of course, he was long gone, by the time I did, but I knew he couldn’t have gone very far. He had left his things behind, and in an agency building like ours, there were not many places to hide.

And Kame and I had been friends long enough for me to know which ones were attractive for him.

In the end, I found him up on the roof. When we had been younger, we’d often snuck up here in our breaks to smoke a cigarette or two. I had been a bad influence back then. Kame, always the good boy, had stopped smoking long ago.

He was sitting on the floor, staring past the fence at the edge of the rooftop, down at the city in front of us. The sun started to slowly set over Tokyo. It would be a beautiful scenery, if I had the mind to care.

It was the middle of January, so it was cold. There was no snow, but I was pretty sure the temperatures were somewhere close zero. I could tell that Kame was freezing – his thin body had always been easily affected by the cold.

_Your skin becomes cold_

Almost automatically, I shrugged out of my jacket, draping it over his shoulders before sitting down next to him.

I stared up at his face. Kame was not looking at me, just staring at the horizon, not really seeing it, though. His eyes were red and blood-shot – I could tell that he had been crying.

_Your gaze becomes empty_

I could see Kame’s breath foaming up from the cold. When I finally spoke up, saying his name to get his attention, all of the reaction I got was to hang his head and gulp.

_Your breathing becomes quiet  
And your head so heavy_

“Kame, what happened?” I repeated, for the xth time. “Please, just tell me. Put me out of my misery.”

Kame closed his eyes, and he took a shaky breath, before looking up again, at the sky, and the way it started to darken. The sun was almost gone by now.

Maybe it was easier, to tell me when the night came. I did not know what it was, but I knew that he would tell me now. It was that look on his face.

“Shortly after it had been set that we would debut this year, I was called into Johnny’s office. I thought he wanted to talk to me about our debut single or whatever. I did not expect anything bad.”

“What did he want to talk to you about?” I asked quietly, wanting to reach out to him, to comfort him, but I was afraid to chase away the bit of courage he had finally found. So I kept my shaking hand to myself, focusing on Kame’s face.

“He – He talked to me about band dynamics” Kame said quietly, his voice shaking a little, and I could see the color on his face even in the dark. “Band dynamics and fan service and things that are _not_ fan service anymore.”

I frowned, looking up at him, not understanding.

“What do you mean?” I asked gently.

Kame was trembling, but I could tell that it was not from the cold. I did not feel the cold, either. I was focused on more important things.

“He told me-“ Kame murmured, his voice barely audible. “He told me that, no matter what feelings I have for you, that I need to find a way to keep them to myself, if I did not want to bring trouble to the band.”

I blinked, and Kame avoided my gaze as the words slowly sank in.

_Whatever you do_

“Feelings…?” I repeated, stunned. “For me?”

“And I thought, how did he find out?” Kame murmured, his voice catching, not reacting to my question. “Here I thought I’d been so careful, and then…” He cut himself of, letting out something between a sigh and a sob. “So I thought, I’d do better to draw back a little” he shrugged, biting his lower lip, which had started to shake, a sure sign of held-back tears on him.

I stared at him for a little longer, my heart beating so loud that I could hear hit in my ears. Then, I reached out, drawing him into me, hugging him close.

“Idiot” I said, speaking into his hair. “You think I’d just let you disappear on me for such a reason?! You have to be insane!”

“But aren’t you… disgusted by it?” Kame whispered, barely audible.

_Whatever you say_

“How could I?” I murmured, taking in his scent. “When I feel the same.”

Kame froze, and his breathing turned uneven, and then, he turned in my arms, fastening his left hand in my hair, pulling my head closer.

“Jin…” he murmured, before he brought our lips together.

The kiss was breathtaking – more than I could have ever wished for. I had spent a lot of time fantasizing about this; throughout sleepovers, when I had watched his sleeping face; throughout photo shoots, when we had had to act all flirty… But no dream could have ever compared with the real thing.

Kame was impatient and passionate, but I liked it that way. Kame always put his all into everything he did, and that was the way he kissed, too. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

When we broke apart for air, the sun had set completely. I wondered how long we had been up there, but then again, what did I care?

“Don’t you ever pull me through something like this again” I whispered, breathless, holding Kame’s face close, so close I could still feel his breath on my face. “I thought I had done something terrible without realizing it, and then, all that happened was you falling in love with me. Really…”

“How was I supposed to know, that you would return my feelings?” Kame asked, his voice small.

“You could have just _asked_ ” I teased.

“You are funny” he groaned, glaring. “I did not see you rushing out with your confession either, smart-ass, so-“

I cut him off with my lips on his again, and he let me indulge him, kissing me until the lack of air made our lungs burn.

Kame’s hands were cold on my skin, and I realized that we were still out on the cold, in the middle of winter.

“Come on” I whispered, taking his hand, getting up, pulling him to his feet with me. “Let’s get inside, before you catch death.”

I could tell Kame was about to give a retort, but it got caught in his throat when I pulled him after me, towards the door back into the building.

It turned out that we should have paid more attention to the time, though. The first door was still open, leading us into the small corridor which led to the stairs and the elevator.

The elevator was already turned off. The door to the stairs had been locked by the landlord.

I stood there, perplexed, tearing at the door, trying, against logic, to pull it open. In vain, of course.

I turned back to Kame, who was looking at me with wide eyes.

“It’s locked” I stated the obvious.

“So that means we’re stuck here?!” Kame enquired, shocked. “We won’t get out?!”

“Well…” I sighed, shrugging. “See it from the bright side. At least we’re inside, now.”

“Yeah, but it’s still not that much warmer” Kame pointed out with a sigh, fumbling through his pockets. He was right – the room did have no air conditioner, or a heating system. All it had to save us from the cold were its walls. “I forgot my cell phone in the dressing room, too!” he groaned.

“Me too” I nodded.

Kame moaned in frustration, leaning against the wall, bumping his head against it.

“Awesome” he groaned. “We’re gonna freeze to death before we even debuted!”

“Don’t be so pessimistic!” I laughed, walking over to him, pulling him against me. “We can keep each other warm. Or at least, I have enough heat to keep you warm. You don’t even have enough for yourself, you skinny ass.” I teased.

“Shut up” Kame chuckled. “You’re just too fat.” As if to proof his point, he poked a finger into my side, and I squirmed, catching his hand in mine, holding him still.

“Fat is good” I announced. “Fat keeps you warm.”

“Well, then start warming me up!” Kame challenged, laughing. “I’m freezing!”

I smirked, accepting the challenge as I bend down, catching his lips with mine.

***

“Jin” Kame half-moaned later, as I latched my mouth to the point where his neck and shoulder met, sucking. “If you’re removing my clothes, this does not count as ‘warming up’!”

“What, aren’t you warm?” I mocked, stroking over the bulge in his jeans, not for the first time, making Kame take a sharp intake of air. “I was under the impression that you felt _hot_ ” I added huskily, and Kame groaned in frustration before catching my lips with his again.

We were sitting on the ground, my jacket underneath us, to save us from the cold floor, and Kame was straddling me, pushing me backwards with the force of the kiss, so that my back hit the wall behind us.

I did not mind the coldness of the wall. _I_ felt warm.

“But if you don’t want to, we don’t need to remove your clothes” I continued, when Kame abandoned my lips to kiss down my jaw and neck. “I can make you come with them on, too, if you want to.”

Kame froze, stopping what he was doing to look up at me, intrigued.

“And how are you planning to do that?” he asked, clearly skeptic.

I smirked mischievously, in a way that screamed “Challenge Accepted”.

“See and learn” I murmured, before pulling him into another kiss.

It did not take more than a few minutes until the two of us were panting, grinding against each other desperately, rolling our hips to search for friction.

Kame came first, stroking me through my jeans until I followed, too.

Afterwards, Kame snuggled into me, resting his head against my shoulder.

“Are you warm now?” I checked, a little out of breath.

“Mhm” Kame only murmured with closed eyes, smiling.

I looked down at him fondly, stroking his hair, holding him close, until his breathing evened out, and I noticed he had fallen asleep.

I shot a quick look at my wristwatch, seeing that it already was past 2 a.m.. It made me decide to stay up and watch out, in case someone decided to wander around here in the middle of the night, catching us in this position.

Kame had definitely worried enough about us and our image for a life time. I could take some work off his shoulders from now on, too.

_I will watch out for you  
I will stay awake_

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2012/05/03/one-shot-torn/


End file.
